How Illegal Is It?

Back in the mid-nineties, I didn’t have the disposable income for luxury items like I have now. I always thought of the facsimile machine as something only yachting crew leaders and money counterfeiters could enjoy in the comfort of their own boat or storage unit. So I clawed my way to the top at Aunt Missy’s Knick-Knack Swap and Shop. To say I swapped my balls off for Aunt Missy would be an egregious understatement. By 2004, I had saved enough money to buy the coveted fax machine. I was ready to correspond with the world (without speaking). After nearly six years of obsessively studying the machines and where they were sold, I knew there would be only one solution: Brother IntelliFAX 770 from Circuit City. Soon after bringing home my dream item, I began to sign up for really exclusive fax-lists. Now, eighteen months later, I’ve spent over six thousand dollars on printer ink, collect call faxes, what I hope is man-on-lady fax porn (blurry), and three scam vacations. Help?
-Chauncey

Jeff: I don’t know much about technology, but I do believe if you unplug that thing you won’t end up getting robbed in a hotel bar in Phoenix again, at minimum.

Colette: Chauncey, Jeff is right. The first thing you need to do is unplug the machine. This should solve most of your issues.

Second, go through your faxes to determine if any of them were unsolicited. If so, you have a couple of options. You can file a complaint with the FCC or you can bring a private lawsuit under the Junk Fax Prevention Act of 2005. If you can locate the fax blasters who sent you these unsolicited faxes, you might be able to collect $500 per fax under this law. This is tough, though, and could require you to perform reverse number lookups because most of these folks operate in the shadows through off-shore corporations. You don’t sound very techno-savy, so you should probably forget about trying to track down the faxers and just focus on unplugging the fax machine.

Finally, looking at porn is perfectly normal, but I’m concerned about you getting it delivered via fax.

…and that’s when and why I looked deep into her eyes and asked her if she wanted to do sex to the captain. The answer was no and she’s trying to sue me for sexual harassment. Does she have a case?
-Will

Jeff: You gave it a shot. The worst she could do is say no and sue you. And she did, I guess.

Colette: I don’t even know what is going on here, but I don’t think you should ever ask that question again.

My busted-ass mom gave me two days to move out of her house because me and my hip hop crew make too much noise at night. I’m forty two years old! Can she do this?!
-Big Deal

Jeff: You gotta get me that mixtape. Colette may not know this, but I’m an underground hip-hop junkie. If your Mom’s going to curb your ass, you need to put on a show at her house before it’s too late. Time to nail it, Big Deal.

Colette: Mr. Deal, if you have been living at your mom’s for a while she will probably have to go through eviction proceedings to remove you from the house. Even if you are not paying rent, you are still a tenant and may be entitled to proper notice before she can require you to leave. Depending on your jurisdiction, this notice may be thirty, sixty, or ninety days.

Practically speaking, it might be better for you if you try to negotiate with your mother. Are you paying rent? If not, you should start. Is there somewhere else you and your crew can congregate? Perhaps one of your crew has a mom who is hard of hearing?

If your mother’s home is your only option, consider recording a compromise/forgiveness jam to play for your mom at a soft volume. If that doesn’t work, you’d better start saving up.

Namaste,
About a month ago I hit the road in search of the answers to questions I didn’t know needed asking. Venus was in retrograde, and my youngest kid just moved out, so it was high time for a mystical spirit-journey. Me and my old man headed towards the desert; an enchanted landscape of immeasurable peace and tranquility. For safety we brought six handguns and a pair of brass knuckles. Just short of our destination we crashed our ride trying to avoid an alpaca crossing and were arrested for the weapons. I told the police it was all about safety on the journey, but to no avail. Please help my quest continue.
-Pam

Jeff: With such firepower, how did you manage to lose to the alpaca? And I like peace and tranquility as much as the next person, but for what reason would you need brass knuckles on this trip. Leave the knuckles at home next time and just bring a couple more guns. I’ve never won a gunfight with my brass knuckles.

Colette: Namaste, Pam. Your instincts were correct. Some jurisdictions have what are called “peaceable journey laws.” These laws loosen certain restrictions on firearms if you are traveling. However, you do have to be sure and comply with certain federal and state regulations to take advantage of these provisions. Beware that not all states recognize the peaceable journey laws. You may want to contact an attorney next time you plan on transporting a gun across state lines.

Now to the brass knuckles. It will probably come as a surprise to you and many others that merely possessing brass knuckles (even if they are purely decorative) is illegal in some states. So next time you are at the swap meet or the knife show and you see a table full of knuckle dusters, keep on walking.

Finally, let me tell you a story. When my Aunt Kat met her first husband, Monty, he was judging the baby beauty pageant at the Portia Picnic (this is before his glaucoma diagnosis). Immediately after the winner was crowned, Monty and Aunt Kat set out for Memphis for a romantic getaway. A state trooper pulled them over for expired tags and found Monty’s gun. Long story short, the attorney they hired knew nothing about the peaceable journey laws and Monty ended up in jail. Aunt Kat always says that was the turning point for Monty. He was in and out of jail for the rest of their marriage.

This is why you should educate yourself about gun regulations, Pam. Don’t end up like Monty.

More questions for you. When I’m driving around hammered, where should I stash my weed? Once I threw it out the window cuz I thought we were getting pulled over. Don’t make me do that again. Colette, you should come over to the house tonight. We’re throwing a rager.
-Bradler

Jeff: She doesn’t feel well. I’m on my way, you pukes.

Colette: First of all, Bradler, last time you wrote in, I told you it was a very bad idea to drive around while intoxicated. Please pay attention.

Second, you should know that, in most jurisdictions, possession of marijuana is a crime (based on your question, I’m assuming this isn’t medical marijuana). If you do insist on driving around with contraband, you should know that, generally, a police officer must have probable cause to search the trunk of your car. Probable cause can arise if the officer smells marijuana in the passenger compartment. This means that, if you insist on driving around with contraband in your car, keep it in your trunk and don’t smoke any on the drive. You should also know that the back of a hatchback or a SUV does not qualify as a trunk. It is considered part of the passenger compartment.

Bottom line: don’t drive drunk, don’t smoke marijuana in your vehicle and, finally, do yourself a favor and find a dealer who delivers to your house. Trust me.

It should be known that I have a fierce drinking problem. I get well beyond bombed every night of the week, which is fun as hell and not the problem at all. I blackout fairly regular, which has led to countless re-introductions and an out-of-control sex life. I’ve rationalized my behavior with the belief that if I can’t remember it, then I didn’t have anything to do with it, and further, it never even happened. However, last night I attended a small party, blacked out, and this morning woke up next to a dead person. If I tell the cops I can’t remember anything they’ll totally believe me, right? Please help. It’s starting to stink.
-Sara Jane

Jeff: Holy shit, where was the party? What did he look like? Short and kind of scruffy? Yellow work shirt with the name Zeno on it? I’m on my way.

Colette: Sara Jane, obviously you are not a regular reader of our website. We addressed a similar problem here.

That said, you should NOT speak to the police without an attorney present. Sure, they will act all helpful and friendly and make you think they are believing everything you say. This is not the case. They are trained in interrogation methods. One such technique is to establish a rapport with you. They might even offer you a smoke or a soda. One minute you’re all palling around while you explain how you had nothing to do with the body, the next, you are charged with murder. If you’ve ever ditched class in favor of watching a legal drama marathon, then you know what I’m talking about.

Do not, I repeat, do not try to explain to the police that you blacked out and cannot remember what happened. Trust me. Call an attorney right away. And please call an attorney who specializes in criminal defense. You are in deep. Real deep.

Finally, if you bleach your hair, call your hairdresser for an emergency appointment to return your mane to its natural color. Make this call as soon as you get off the phone with the attorney. There is a good chance you may be charged with capital murder and held without bond. You don’t want to stand trial with three inches of dark roots showing.

Back in 1995, I introduced the world to an alternative weight loss program. It was a marginally wild and temporarily successful period of time for both me and my clients. Basically, you eat whatever you want, but if it’s over 67 degrees you must go shirtless. For the fatties, it was great for downsizing by shame, but for passing motorists and other fit people, it was problematic. Personally, I love attention, so the program worked for me. However, as the distraction of the topless-obese began to sweep the Mid-South (America’s chub-belt), the auto accident and verbal assault arrests began to climb at a troubling rate. Someone had to take the blame for these crimes and it fell onto my supple shoulders. My SHOW THE WORLD trimming seminars were put to a halt and I lost it all. What are my maximum liabilities in the mounting civil cases?
-Will

Jeff: I hate you, Will. I hope Colette lies to you.

Colette: Will, why are you still worried about something that happened so long ago? The statute of limitations has long passed on these cases and, even if that weren’t true, I doubt you would be liable for any damages. The way I look at it, you were providing a valuable service to the community while contributing to the economy.

Let me tell you a story. I once accompanied my Aunt Kat to the county seat to settle a voter registration dispute she was having with the county clerk. On the way home, we saw a pack of shirtless men (some of your clients maybe?). Anyway, she had a hot flash and drove the car off the road. We were unhurt, and she completely forgot about her unresolved beef with the county clerk. The sight of those shirtless men made her day.

Bring back the program. Your weight loss seminars are needed now more than ever, however, you might want to reconsider using the word “fatties.” The free-wheeling 90′s are over. The proper term is now “BMI challenged.”

Is this shit free? A couple of us bros are hangin at the house, waiting for the party to start, chillin. Hey, settle this for us. When we’re trashed and driving, and get pulled over by the pigs, what’s the best shit to do? Collette sounds hot.
-Bradler

Jeff: That’s the worst name I’ve ever heard, and my wife is hot, Bradler. You guys have so much to learn. Do you need a mentor?

Colette: First off, Bradler, don’t get trashed and drive. That is dumb.

I have some personal experience with this type of situation. My Aunt Kat’s first husband was known for taking twilight drives around the neighborhood while enjoying a couple of beers and a bit of marijuana (he had glaucoma). Unfortunately, one night he had a quarter bag in the center console and, after getting pulled over by the police, fessed up two minutes after the officer approached his car. He had no chance in court.

I am glad you ask about your rights. If my former uncle had been better informed, he might have avoided all those nights in the drunk tank and those three stints in county. Too many folks are out there driving around with no idea what the police can and cannot do. Now, you do not have as many protections in your car as you do in your home so be aware of that. I don’t know where you live, so I don’t know your local or state DWI laws. I can tell you that I am absolutely positive it is illegal to drive around intoxicated wherever you are. I can also tell you that it is easier to pin a drunk driving charge on you if you admit to drinking. Do what you want with that information.

I can also tell you that you do not have to consent to a search of your car. If the officer tells you that it will be easier if you cooperate, he is right. It will be a lot easier for the police and the prosecuting attorney to charge and convict you if you tell them everything. Is that what you want? If you happen to be carrying any contraband in your vehicle, don’t tell the cops where it is if you intend on fighting the charge at a later date. It is your right to remain silent and not to incriminate yourself.

Remember to be polite when asserting your rights. Don’t get tased.

After six and and a half minutes of arguing with a stranger in a Dunkin’ Donuts’ serving line, I decided to marry my feisty new adversary. Her talents include arguing with strangers and loving donuts. It was a match made in a discount donut franchise dining area. Yep, magic. So we left there, I bought her a ring, and then I discovered she totally sucked as company. I dropped her off at Nails By Soft Daryl for a manicure and never picked her up. She still has the ring. Can I get it back? Or send her a bill she must pay?
-Lester

Jeff: How long has it been? Maybe you could still return to Soft Daryl’s place and pick her up. You’d have a much better chance of retrieving the ring if you didn’t abandon her at a nail appointment. However, don’t let this mess up your Dunkin’ Donuts’ game.

Colette: Lester, I agree with Jeff. Go back to Soft Daryl’s. If you cannot find her, the fate of the ring depends upon where you live.

In some jurisdictions, you are SOL because an engagement ring is seen as a no-strings-attached gift. It is hers to keep even if no wedding ever takes place.

In other jurisdictions, the ring is viewed as a conditional gift. Because you did not get married, you may have the right to get the ring back. However, if the court looks at who is at fault in this situation, you may be out the cost of the ring because you abandoned your lady-friend at the nail salon. Of course, you could argue that she committed fraud by being a charming adversary at the donut shop before showing her true colors in the car.

Since I’m not sure where you live, I will advise you to check your local gift laws and consider calling this lady to apologize. Maybe she will take pity on you and give you the ring back. Whatever you do, do not send her a bill unless you want to end up on dontdatehimgirl.com.

Next time, don’t be so hasty.

Greetings.
I normally don’t get caught when I go shoplifting the day after winter solstice, but this year I got a little sloppy at the Falcon’s Nest. My sweat lodge the evening prior had proved successful, and my awareness had moved from alpha to theta. I didn’t even dally through beta. I felt invincible. Not in the mood for the Nest’s pedestrian array of figures and charms, I capitalized on my recent transformation and knew this was the season for me to finally grab the stuffed lynx that has fiercely guarded the space for all these years. Besides, it was mead season, and I was heady. So I pulled what most Falcky-Heads would consider the heist of a lifetime. Creature in tow, I made for the doors, but it slipped out of my jacket and knocked over a massive glass-blown dolphin. Who knew the Falcon’s Nest had an emergency lock-down security system that belongs in apartheid South Africa? What brutes! I was arrested for shoplifting, but the lynx was never for sale, and I never made it out the door. I told them it needed a good cleaning and was using my trenchy to give it a dustin. The arresting officer was hot, and I’m pretty sure she has a crush on me. Does that help my case?
-Daniel

Jeff: Trenchy? A dustin’? I’m currently inventing hell’s trap door for you to drop into. Nope. I can’t help you.

Colette: It does not matter that the item was not for sale. It also does not matter that you did not make it out the door. If you live in a jurisdiction where concealment of the merchandise is enough to lead to a shoplifting charge, then you may be found guilty of shoplifting. If you do not live in such a jurisdiction, then the charge may be amended to attempted shoplifting. By concealing the item in your coat you took a substantial step in furtherance of the act of theft.

I think you need to hope for a favorable plea offer. If you insist on using that “dustin’” story as your defense, you had better make sure it is airtight before your trial. It sounds like a loser to me.

FInally, intoxication is probably not a defense to this crime. My advice to you? Lay off the mead, stay out of the sweat lodge, and, for Christ’s sakes, stop celebrating mid-winter by stealing stuffed cats. Just dance around naked like everyone else.